The mirror (aka rampant narcissism ahead)

The bulging eyes, fat cheeks, flabby arms, stupid grin, double chins....

Nope, not in the picture above, but in a picture I recently saw of myself from a weekend with friends. Obviously an unflattering angle contributed to this debacle, but still...dear God...I looked like I had gained twenty pounds.

To make matters worse, I thought I looked alright that night. Maybe a little frizzy hair, but you'll have that with curls and rain.

But, not like that. Anything but looking like that.

Certainly there's the extra guilt to contend with. I've been as firm about my diet as a cooked noodle, and the dang blasted (yep, I said it) Creme Eggs are NOT helping either. And I was sick as hell right after the aforementioned gathering thanks to little sleep and a shot immune system. I want to jump right back in the gym, but as per usual I have a litany of excuses/reasons not to, mostly that I have a thousand things to do before going out of town on Friday (the great Southern adventure) and my health still kind of sucks (sidenote: while it most likely isn't cancer, I do have a bunch of cysts or something in my thyroid = not good but not bad?...thank you ultrasound technician).

So the health improvement gets shoved until next week...it's always next week. Ugh. However, after seeing those pictures...*shudder*....I think I might be a little more serious about it this time. Plus, honestly, I miss running and hate to let my gym membership go to waste.

And...I don't want to be a fat girlfriend, as shallow and stupid as that sounds. He keeps in shape, I should too. Now let me make something clear, he always says I look great. He's pretty much amazing that way, but I know I can and have looked better. With all the weddings and parties and sunshine coming up, I want to look my best.

Anyone have any easy solutions? Doh, didn't think so. So this is my pledge: I'm going back to the gym/running, for serious, for at least five days each week if possible. No more ifs/ands/but(t)s or excuses allowed. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say, so it's time for some change.

Just had to look in the mirror, so-to-speak....like a mirror in a funhouse...gross...

I want to work for these guys...

The World's 50 Most Innovative Companies.

Think they missed anyone? Feel free to comment.

Back on the bandwagon

I'll admit, this last week or so I've been more than a little off my diet (and/or lifestyle change). In fact, I believe some would call it a "flagrant disregard" for the guidelines and principles I had laid down for myself.

Well, this week, there's no more tomfoolery. It's back to hardcore healthy eating like whoa. No more soda, sugar, white pasta/flour or madness. I'm 100% sure my body will thank me.

And by "no more" I mean that I'm allowed to have one precious little Cadbury Creme Egg a day while supplies (and enthusiasm for this particular delicacy) last. Allowing myself this one splendid sugary delight will help me be psychotic about the rest of my food (hey, anything that helps has to be a good thing, right??).

Oh, and also, I am headed back to the gym like a neurotic bridezilla (I said like one, not actually being one...simile vs. metaphor for all you word nerds out there). Time to get this rear in freakin' gear as it's swim suit season sooner than you think/want to admit to yourself.

You might be saying to yourself right now, "Damn this girl seems like she's trying to avoid some work." And you would be right. It's Friday and I don't particularly want to think anymore, but (prepare yourself for an EXPLOSION of trite) you can't always get what you want.

Incidently, Tex sent me one dozen long stem roses to the office yesterday. Everyone who saw them either shrieked, gasped, or marvelled at their size and beauty. The receptionist said they were the best flowers she'd ever seen. Yes, I am bragging.

It's amazing how special he can make me feel, even from hundreds of miles away. Damn he's good... can't wait to see him Saturday!

It'll be a great weekend I think. Hope you enjoy yours too.

Love is in the air

I always like to read popular press articles as it get closer and closer to Valentine's Day because the articles often offer some interesting insights into a topic that normally would be left on the back burner or used as filler on slow news days: relationships.

While there are inevitably a ton of trite and slightly misguided articles hitting the public psyche on the topic of love/sex/relationships and everything in between, a few are worth mentioning and reading.

Like these two from the New York Times:

I love you, but you love meat

Reinventing the date night for long-married couples

The first especially caught my attention because it's something I've been thinking about lately in my own relationship. Tex would prefer to be entirely vegetarian if possible, but will eat meat if/when I prepare food for us (because really, what 20-something male would refuse a good home-cooked meal?). And I have been on my diet kick (although off it the last couple of days for stress/need for comfort reasons, and my body doesn't like it AT ALL), adding an extra layer of what we can and can't eat when we're together.

But compromises can be made and are essential. For example, I try to make tasty vegetarian dishes that we can both enjoy every other time I cook. And he bought us pizza with a wheat crust, so that I could enjoy it without guilt over white flour. Also, for his birthday this Sunday, we're headed to an (by all accounts) amazing French-Cambodian restaurant called The Elephant Walk that serves an array of healthy and not-so-healthy vegetarian and meat-full dishes. That way we'll both find something on the menu we can both really dig.

The second article on reinventing the date night stuck out in my mind because it's something that, should I ever get married, I would want to make sure exists throughout the relationship. My cousin and her husband who married last year go on a date almost every week. They get a chance to enjoy each other's company, catch up on their busy week, and take part in one of their favorite activities: going out to eat together. I think it's important to keep the passion alive with the little things along the way.

Although I will be alone for this Valentine's Day (since Tex is still out of town), I wish all you lovers out there the best, and hope that this one special day for hearts extends into every day you two see together.

My favorite love poem:
She tells her love while half asleep,
In the dark hours,
With half-words whispered low.
As Earth stirs in her winter sleep
And puts out grass and flowers
Despite the snow, despite the falling snow.

The distinctly less fun/scandalous "C" word

So after many anxious days of waiting, I saw the doctors again on Monday and today. The verdict? It appears that I'm "convalescing" from a serious bout of Mono (Epstein-Barr virus for all you googlers out there).

However, I do have an ultrasound scheduled for the end of the month, and if that comes out weird and my problems don't go away in 6 weeks, then... well... it's cancer.

So my relief that it doesn't appear to be cancer (YET) is there. But I think I'm going to be nervous until it's all over.

This has certainly shed new light on all those people out there who are actually struggling with and fighting cancer. Your strength and courage are amazing.

I could barely get out of bed this morning for the fear that was sitting in my stomach. Crazy times...

The big "O"

Just in time for Valentine's Day:

An interesting series of articles about orgasms from the L.A. Times. Light a candle or two, run a bath, and enjoy...

Science of the orgasm

Call him Dr. "Orgasmatron"

Female orgasms and a "rule of thumb"

Benefits "O"verall

A little miracle goes a long way

So that positive thinking thing really works.

I'll admit, I was pretty darn skeptical, but once I let go of my anger/sadness yesterday evening, I started to feel better.

And also, a small miracle happened. My grandfather is getting better (still don't have a diagnosis though, that's a little ridiculous). According to my dad, he was sitting up in bed, asking for his glasses and something to read, and eating full meals. That is definitely good news.

Plus, today's Friday. So the fact that the weekend is almost here and that my grandfather is on the up and up makes me happy. So even when my boss is a poop, I can still smile.

Today definitely feels much better than yesterday.

Keep your scans to yourself

There I was this morning, skidding to a stop with my front bumper about a foot from his driver-side door. He had pulled out in front of me, blowing a stop sign and trying to jet through an intersection. I just put up my hands in resignation and surprise, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Holy shit!" And then (and this kills me because he totally knew he was in the wrong) he mouths to me "Slow the f*&% down."

Wow. Thanks.

No "I'm sorry," no look of apology, just a complete a^#hole. Awesome. I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning. Shaky and on the verge of tears, I made my way to work.

Honestly, I have been having an incredibly craptastic week. Tuesday I spent most of the day in the hospital all alone and crying as doctors drew blood, injected me with dye, put me through a cat scan, and scoped my sinus passages (yep, through my nose) in search of a cause of some mysterious illness I seemed to have developed.

And at the height of my self-pity, I found out my grandfather was admitted to a hospital down in VA, also suffering from some mysterious illness (likely a stroke?) and, according to my crazy grandmother, will not ever be coming home again. To make matters worse, they weren't able to do tests and get results right away, because my grandpa, in a fit of fear and illness, started swinging at the nurses and doctors who were trying to help him. Not surprisingly, he's been heavily sedated, but they still haven't given us a diagnosis. It's been three days, even with a rowdy patient, how freaking hard is it??

I read an article recently on what makes people happy. In it, they had about five individuals, one was an undertaker, another a mother who had recently lost her parents in a span of a couple months (one died, one developed Alzheimer's), two who were successful and moderately wealthy working professionals (one married, one not), and one woman who had lost 2 family member and 4 friends in about 6 months.

The kicker? Those who dealt with death (the undertaker, the woman without parents, and the woman who had seen people die for 6 months straight) all had a greater appreciation for the preciousness of life and so were the happiest of the bunch. One of them remarked how they consciously had to choose positive thoughts/energy/existence every day. It was like happiness was a choice, either you are or you give in to the awfulness.

As much as I am trying to choose the positive, I can't help but feel scared, alone, sad, nervous, and all around sh#tty. What do you do with these feelings?

Maybe I just need to focus on the fact that during all this my boyfriend, even from several states away, has been amazing. The plans for my brother's wedding and for that of my roommate are all coming together. Alumni weekend is coming up soon and with my girls and Tex I know I will have lots of laughs. The weekend after that Tex and I are doing something romantical (our V-day celebration since he will be out of town). And the following weekend I will be on a great Southern adventure with a dear friend.

I just have to ignore the panic that creeps around the edges of my mind.

Today, well this morning anyways, I'm not winning that battle...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please.

Just remember this...

A kiss is just a kiss...

An article from the L.A. Times about the mystery of the kiss.

Honestly, I don't care why we do it, I'm just glad we do.

Sidenotes: Last night's football game was painful for the thousands of Patriots fans across New England and the U.S. I felt like I was watching the Packers lose all over again = the suck. The worst part? The endless chatter and smack talk we'll now be hearing from New Yorkers and other band wagon fans for the next year plus...ugh!

Also, Tex left for another two weeks of training for his job, no me gusta. The weekend he comes back is the weekend of the alumni reunion at my college, so I won't be around much. But he's coming out to meet everyone on Saturday, and Sunday is his birthday (which we'll likely celebrate together alone in the the city since all festivities will come to an end and friends are otherwise engaged). Then Monday is a holiday for me and I'm rocking out with the girls at another basketball game for our school, and hopefully getting a bobblehead in the process (they are handing them out at the game to the first 1,500 people).

Tex and I then will have one more weekend together then I'm off to visit a very good friend of mine down in North Carolina. We're planning a Southern adventure/ghost hunting tour on the cheap. It'll be ridiculously fun, but I'll be glad when it's gets to the point where I can see my boyfriend more than just a couple weekends in a row.

I guess it could be worse. I have done the long distance thing (Vermont to Boston) and the very long distance thing (England to East Coast and Kansas to East Coast) before and swore up and down that I would never put myself in that position again. So I suppose really, I can wait a couple weeks for him to be back in the city and only about 10 minutes driving time from my apt. Hopefully this perspective will help the time to go by quickly...