It's a walk in the park

I had a good lunch today. The boy randomly asked me to join him for a bit in the park, just to chat, catch up, and chill out away from the rattle and hum of the computer. I was pleased (obviously), but it felt like a friendly meeting.

And as I was driving back to work, I realized the pulling away worked, not in that it prompted him to ask me to lunch, but in that I actually did start letting go of how I felt about him. I think I'm alright with just being friends with this kid (no seriously, I know I've spent a lot of blog space on it, but this is the truth). Unless, randomly, he asked me all of the sudden to be his girlfriend, I think I'm alright being alone. There's a point where you just have to let go, stop forcing it, and stop waiting...

Whoa, mind blown. Amazing what sort of clarity and peace a little sleep and time can bring you (even just one day!)

I know that there will be days when I will change my mind, but for now, I'll enjoy the single life.

A waiting game/I'm not a mind reader

Okay, so I've been good (surprisingly, since I suck at being patient). I've kept to my guns and backed off (aside from one harmless drunken texting episode), waiting, waiting, waiting for him to come to his senses.

In the meantime, I have created all sorts of lovely/paranoid scenarios as to what is keeping him from calling me/asking to see me every moment of the day. Top of the list? He's started seeing someone else. Now, I realize this is probably a total delusion, but the slight panic is there. It's really panic, mixed with a bit of jealousy, mixed in with pride (no one likes to get played).

And in the interest of truth and disclosure, he did call me of his own accord this past Sunday, and suggested we go to the movies...so there's that. But the thing is, is that I was just starting to pull away from how I feel about him, get some safe distance established, sort of get over it....and every time, every time!, he pulls me right back in at the last moment.

How do you deal with someone like that? With the mixed message king? I thought I had found a solution in pulling away, but really it's just another way of holding my breath for him (truly I think it's just a stupid test I was hoping he'd pass). It might be time for another full on talk about stuff, but neither he nor I really relish that idea. How do you know if he's worth the trouble, worth waiting for?

You are always on my mind

Random thoughts that have been running through my head:

It's a lot easier to walk away from something when it's your choice to do it. You feel less cheated/wronged somehow. But, it's still not easy to break your own heart, even when you need to do it.

When Harry met Sally, or Betty, or Louise, or Jenny, or any girl, he's invariably going to try to get into her pants. Men and women can't be friends, unless the following circumstances are in place (and none are 100%):

• Either or both are in a serious and committed relationship
• They've grown up together
• They work together (but that doesn't prevent them from thinking about it)
• One of them is not attracted to the other, even when drunk (but unrequited love is a huge possibility in this case)
• They're ex's (oddly enough I believe people can be friends after a breakup) or they tried it for a week and it was just too silly to continue

It's scary to grow up, and I don't care how childish that sounds *insert stomping feet here.* 25 is starting to give me an existential crisis. The implications are mind-boggling.

I've been a complainer-pants lately about my second job (waitressing for a hip new restaurant in the South End), but the truth is this: the management is totally inept. I've never worked at a place so poorly run as this, no joke, and I've worked in restaurants since my junior year of high school. Just there to save money for a vacation to somewhere beautiful, maybe Brazil. Counting down to possible quit date, July 1, when my promotion at my fulltime job goes into effect. 60 hour work week = sucks a moose knuckle.

I love my family, we're about to go through both awful and awesome times, so keep us in your thoughts/prayers/send good vibes.

My head hurts

Doing the right thing, what's really best for me, sucks...a lot... and it makes my head and heart hurt... a lot.

Let me explain: I had a bit of an epiphany in the last couple of days, especially in regards to my current situation with "boy from the concert." If he really wants to be with me, really cares about me like he says he does, he should be putting some effort in and meet me half way. Right now, I basically do all the heavy lifting and he just has to show up, cool for him, great for me if he's in a good mood, but if not, well, I'm stuck holding my breath.

My aunt asked point blank if I was seeing this kid again, and ruefully I mumbled yes, he still had me hanging on. "You need to reverse that," she said. So, taking her advice, I've decided to back off. Just stop making plans, stop putting in the extra effort to spend time with him. If he wants to see me, he knows my number, where I live, where I work, etc. Maybe he needs to miss me, notice my absence, and it'll bring him to his senses.

or he could not notice and it could just suck... a lot...

Will you marry...ever?

As more and more of my friends approach the alter without hesitation, I begin to seriously examine my own views on marriage, having a family, and most importantly perhaps, on whether or not I'm marriage material. My longest relationship lasted about 2.5 years, what makes me think that I'm capable of a lifetime commitment?

Marriage is a seriously scary, but exciting thought. It takes a lot more than love; compromise, trust, patience, humor, and communication all come to mind. My parents have managed to remain married over 33 years, but have often told me the first ten years were the roughest. Flat broke and still very much kids (my mom was 19, my dad 21), the first years of their marriage were more of an escape from family life as it was about a loving union. My brother was born about four years in, and I think this is where the shit really hit the fan. Still very broke, my parents often fought about money, although both were busting their butts to bring in every penny they could. At some point they even lived in seperate places for a couple months. Seeing an unhappy end coming closer, they sat down and talked about the value of marriage, about their relationship, and the foundation of trust that was necessary to make things work.

It took them about five years to come to a more positive place in their marriage, evidenced by the accidental birth of yours truly. My dad tells me that whenever he looks at me, he is reminded of how much he loves my mother and how glad he is to have married her. That's pretty neat I think.

So where does that leave me? The happy accident. It seems like a pretty neat set up. You get to travel, laugh, have great sex, talk, and experience all the crazy facets of life with someone who is your best friend. But am I cut out for that, that permanence? Since my last aforementioned serious relationship, I haven't dated anyone steadily, in a boyfriend-girlfriend situation since (nearly three years ago or so), and it was my first relationship besides. The men I have pursued in the past years have admittedly been commitment-phobes, or have told me that I'm the one they'd love to marry....but not right now (oh great, thanks!)

I saw on the news the other day that the median age for a woman's first marriage is 25.5. I'll be 25 in June, does that mean I have until December to get engaged before I turn into a turnip or something? I'd be happy to actually get a boyfriend in that time, much less a ring. I think I still have some growing up and learning to do. I don't know what it's like to be in love outside of the craziness of your first fall. I'm excited to find out and also a little bit impatient. Maybe that's why I keep picking the wrong guys. Just got to wait your turn before you can go on the Ferris Wheel or something like that.

All I know is that I only want to get married once, do it right or don't do it at all. All else fails, I'll make one sexy bridesmaid! Who wants to dance? ;)

Fortune Cookie

It was great, after months and months of complaining that our company hadn't thrown an employee appreciation event, they finally bought us chinese food for lunch. As far as chinese food goes, it was somewhat subpar, but as far as free food goes, it was delicious. Everyone had HUGE plates full of noodles, rice, chicken, crab rangoons, and dumplings.

One of my favorite parts about getting chinese food is the fortune cookies. I have to admit, I am a total fan of psychics, tarot cards, palm readings, etc... not because I think they will be right, but because they could be - just a little bit - knowledgable about what's about to smack you in the face. I recognize the need to know the future is a symptom of my control issues, but oh well, it's also a lot of fun.

My fortune said: "You will soon meet the one you admire," or something very much like that. Now "admire" is the tricky part, is it admire as in to look up to, or admire as in fall in love with. Also is this even correct English? Shouldn't it be "You will soon meet the one you that will admire?" Additionally, will this be mutual admiration? Is this a brand new person, or someone I already know that I'm just going to run into? Eerie part, right after I opened it, I was talking with the guy from the concert, and umm well, of course I "admire" him.

So if every glimpse at the future creates more questions, is ignorance bliss? Last time I read my tarot cards, they told me that good news would be coming from an unexpected source. Roughly one month later, after wondering if I had taken some small news for granted, I was pulled over by a cop for traveling in a break down lane to get off an exit (I didn't know that was illegal, oops!) After giving four other cars $100 tickets, he let me off with a warning. Good news, from a totally unexpected, and maybe unwelcome, source.

Weird, that's all I'm sayin'. Maybe it's self-fulfilling, you keep looking for it to happen until it does, or maybe I got a peak at the big man's plans for me. Who's to say? Who knows such things?